Kids Say the Darnedest Things
by MaxCale
Summary: You really have to be careful what you say to and around a three year old.
1. Hippos & Hotdogs

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetie?" Amy answered her three year old son as she carried him towards the kitchen door from the driveway.

"Where do hipalotamuses come from?"

"Do you mean hippopotamuses?"

"Yeah, them." Amy smiled as she closed the kitchen door behind her and deposited John in a chair at the kitchen table. She placed her purse on the table and then turned to start plating and heating up their dinner.

"A place called Africa."

"Where's that?"

"A long way away from here," she told him as she continued fixing their plates. She turned to microwave John's plate first.

"How far is that?"

"It's so far you have to take a plane to get there."

"Like the planes I see in the sky sometimes?"

"Uh huh."

"Can we go on the plane?" Amy chuckled.

"Someday."

"How long 'til da plane gets to Aff-rica?"

"A long time," she told him as the microwave beeped and she removed his plate. She took a small fork out of the silverware drawer for him.

"And when it does then we can go see the hipalotamuses?" John asked excitedly. Amy giggled at his excitement as she placed his plate in front of him and then turned around to pour him a cup of juice.

"We can go see them at the zoo instead." John frowned.

"Why not in Aff-rica?" he asked as Amy placed his cup in front of him.

"'Cuz it's too scary to go there while you're still so little." John pouted.

"I not little! I a big boy!" Amy smirked as she placed her plate in the microwave.

"Yes you are, sweetie but there're lots of animals in Africa that are bigger and scarier than you and I don't want you to get hurt,"

"Why would the aminals hurt me? I nice." Amy laughed.

"Not all animals, just some of them."

"Like what?" he asked as he took a bite of his lasagna. Amy thought for a minute.

"Well, like lions."

"Like Simba?" he asked, thinking of his favorite Disney movie the Lion King. "But he's nice. Not like Scar. He's bad." Amy got up to retrieve her plate from the microwave.

"Yes, there are mean and bad lions like Scar there," she stated as she sat down at the table.

"Do the bad lions eat hipalotumuses?"

"I don't think so, but they eat other animals."

"Maybe if they eat sumting else then they wouldn't be so scary?" Amy's brows furrowed with curiosity.

"Something like what, sweetie?"

"Hot dogs!" John exclaimed, a huge smile on his face. Amy smiled back at him.

"You really like hot dogs huh?" John nodded his head.

"I like dem this much!" he spread his arms out to show Amy just how much and accidentally knocked his cup of juice onto the floor. He looked at it for a moment and then furrowed his eyebrows. "Oh dammit," he said calmly. George walked into the kitchen in time to hear John's statement and chuckled. Amy, however, was not amused.

"John Juergens! You know not to use bad words!" She stood up and then swiftly picked John up, depositing him on a small chair in the corner that served as his time-out chair. John protested.

"But mommy! That's what you're a sposed to say when you knock over a cup!" Amy was halfway to the microwave to set the timer for five minutes when she stopped and spun back around to look at John.

"What do you mean?"

"That's what grandpa said dis morning when he knocked over his cup of funny smelling brown stuff," he explained while pointing at George. George's face turned beet red at being called out by his grandson and then being subjected to his daughter's angry scowl, a scowl her mother had subjected him to on numerous occasions.

"DAD!" she exclaimed. "I'll thank you **not** to teach my preschooler bad words!" George swallowed awkwardly but John's voice interrupted.

"Since grandpa said a bad word does he have to sit in time-out too?" Amy narrowed her eyes at her father as she considered it but George was sufficiently chastised and wordlessly sat down on the floor next to John and then looked at Amy. She set the microwave timer for five minutes and then sat back down at the table to continue eating. When the timer beeped Amy walked over to John's time-out chair and knelt down until she was eye-level with him.

"John," she began gently. "What is mommy's rule about using bad and rude words?"

"Not ta use dem 'cuz dairs always a nicer way to say what you wanna say to sumbuddy," he answered. Amy nodded her head.

"That's right." She turned to look at her father.

"And I'm sorry I used a bad word. I'll do better," he assured Amy. Amy looked back at John.

"Sorry I used a bad word, mommy. I won't use it again." He leaned forward to hug her and she hugged him back. She then picked John up and put him back in his chair at the table and then slightly reheated his dinner. She washed her dishes as she waited for him to finish eating. George grabbed the soda he had come into the kitchen to get and then guiltily slunk back into the living room, Amy shaking her head at her father.


	2. Timeout Tattletale

A couple days later Ricky was grocery shopping with John in tow. John was happily chatting away about hippos and Simba, much to Ricky's amusement, as Ricky turned the cart up the dairy aisle. He grabbed a bag of shredded cheese, placed it in the basket, and then consulted his grocery list. Unknown to Ricky, Zoe had just entered the dairy aisle from the opposite end and had spotted him. The little boy in the basket in front of him had to be his kid. Even though the little boy chatting away had Amy's hair coloring and she couldn't see his face, she assumed that this was Ricky's son. Since she'd never seen him interacting with his kid before, Zoe took out her cellphone, inched a little closer, and began recording them. Ricky's eyes were trained on his grocery list as he absentmindedly said 'uh huh' to his son occasionally.

Ricky had been doing his level best to go up and down each aisle only once as he picked up everything on his list so he would only have refrigerated items in the cart for a short period of time before he checked out. Unfortunately today, he'd somehow managed to miss three items that were on other aisles.

"Dammit," he muttered, but not quietly enough that John wouldn't hear him. John's eyes got wide and he pointed at Ricky.

"Ooooooo, daddyyyyy! You said a bad wooooooord! Now you gots ta go in time out!" John announced seriously, and loud enough for everyone in the aisle to hear him. Zoe bust out laughing causing Ricky to look up in her direction. John did his best to swivel around in his seat, a task made slightly difficult by the strap securing him in the basket.

"What's so funny?" John asked seriously. When neither Zoe nor Ricky answered him John swiveled back around to face his father.

"Daddy, why's that lady laughing? What happened?"

"She's laughing at me," Ricky told her as he began pushing the basket up the aisle to go pick up the items he missed.

"But why?" John pressed. "I don't get it. And you still hafta sit in a timeout chair." An older woman near the end of the aisle that Ricky was rapidly approaching sniggered at Ricky's embarrassed expression as he went past her. Ricky felt like everyone in the store now knew he'd said a bad word by the time he made it to the front of the checkout because John had simply refused to let the matter go. He got his second wind when he noticed the Starbucks counter and seating area near one of the exits and then pointed at the chairs. "Dairs chairs ova dair, daddy. Now you can sit in timeout for saying da bad word." Ricky groaned and the patrons near him sniggered and laughed.

"I promise I'll sit in time out when we get home, okay?" That seemed to appease John.

"Okay." Ricky breathed a sigh of relief and finished paying for the groceries. When they arrived back at his apartment the first thing he did was push one of the kitchen chairs into the corner. His task accomplished, John turned to look at his father. "Okay, daddy. Dair you go," he declared, pointing to the chair.

"John, daddy needs to put the groceries away first and then I'll sit in the chair. Promise." Ricky let John 'help' put the groceries away and then took out his cellphone to set the timer for five minutes. He sat in the chair and started the timer while John played with some of his toys. When the cellphone alarm sounded John walked over to Ricky and put his hands on his hips in an identical stance to the one Amy had when she was irritated with him. John put on his serious face.

"Daddy, what's the rule about using bad words?" Ricky was at a loss for words. _Amy's got a rule about bad words?_ Ricky shrugged.

"I don't know the rule," he admitted to his three year old son. John filled him in.

"Mommy says not ta use bad and wuude words 'cuz dairs always a nicer way to say what you wanna say ta sumbuddy." Ricky's eyes widened in surprise and admiration.

"That's a very good rule. Daddy will try better not to use bad, or rude, words." John nodded his head and continued to look at Ricky.

"What?"

"You fa got to say you was sorry."

"Oh. I'm sorry." John started climbing in Ricky's lap and he helped him up. John then wrapped his arms around Ricky's neck to give him a hug, which Ricky gladly returned. John climbed down and went back to playing with his toys and Ricky just watched for a little while. _She's doing a great job with him_ he thought to himself with a smile.


	3. The Name Game

As it was the middle of summer a lot of families were on vacation so there weren't as many children at the nursery lately, and this was the reason Amy came home from work early on Wednesday. As soon as Amy opened the door John ran in and made a beeline for his toy bin in the living room. Ashley was lying on the couch propped up on her side watching an episode of Law And Order and scoffed when a couple of detectives missed a clue that was right under their noses.

"Morons." John looked at her quizzically.

"What's a morons?" he asked.

"A moron is someone who does something really, really stupid," Ashley informed him without taking her eyes off the TV screen.

"So morons are **lots** of people who do something really stupid?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't you just say dat dair stupid? But mommy says it's not nice to call people stupid. It's wuude" Ashley looked at John a little surprised at his question and statements.

"Well, sometimes you don't feel like calling someone stupid so you use a different word to say the same thing."

"Why would you need a different word if the first word means what you wanna say already?"

"'Cuz sometimes there's a nicer way to tell people they've done or said something stupid." John processed Ashley's words for a moment.

"So is morons a nicer or wuuder way ta call sumbuddy stupid?"

"Um….." Ashley wasn't sure how to answer her nephew but Amy had walked into the living room, looking for John, and had heard his question; she answered instead.

"It's rude to call someone stupid **or** a moron. And where did you hear that word?" Amy asked her son.

"From Aunty," John informed his mother while pointing at Ashley. Amy directed her gaze to her sister and arched an eyebrow.

"I was referring to the characters on TV," Ashley explained, in an attempt to defend herself. Amy rolled her eyes.

"Please try and keep your rude or sarcastic comments to yourself when John's in the room," Amy asked/told her sister.

"What's sark-astic mean, mommy?" John asked. Amy sat on the floor next to John and pulled him into her lap before proceeding to try and explain sarcasm to a three year old in a way that he would understand.

"Sometimes when people are annoyed with something that somebody says to them, they say things in a very rude way in order to insult the person who annoyed them." Thankfully John accepted Amy's explanation and he didn't ask her any further questions about sarcasm.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"So what are you a sposed ta say ta sumbuddy if day do or say sumting stupid?"

"Well, if someone says something to you that you think is wrong, the polite thing would be to tell them that you don't agree with them. If they do something that you think was a very silly, the polite thing to do would be to tell them that you don't think what they just did was very smart."

"What if sumbuddy says **I'm** stupid?" Amy gave John a small smile and hugged him closer to her.

"Anyone who calls you stupid isn't a very nice person so you should tell them they're being rude and then walk away from them." John nodded in understanding and crawled off Amy's lap to continue playing with his toys.


	4. Sass in the Sandbox

The next day at the nursery during outdoor playtime, John was playing in the sandbox with his best friend Terry. Another three year old girl decided she wanted the dump truck John was playing with so she marched over to the sandbox and took it from him. John had quick reflexes and snatched it back from her before glaring at her, at least in the most irritated glare a three year old can muster.

"It's wuude ta take tings from people. You're a sposed ta ask nicely," He informed her and then went back to playing with the truck; the little girl wasn't put off. She tried to take the truck again but John pulled it away from her hands. She put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

"I want ta play with the truck so give it here," she declared, holding out her hand for the toy in question. John shook his head and went back to putting sand in the dump truck and driving it around the sandbox. Terry didn't like confrontation and quickly left the sandbox to get one of the nursery attendants. The first one he came to was Amy. She was just finishing tying a little girl's loose shoelaces when Terry approached, worry in his eyes.

"Ms. Amy! Ms. Amy!" he cried.

"What's the matter, Terry?" He pointed to the sandbox behind him while he continued to look straight at Amy.

"Abigail tried ta take the truck from John but he wouldn't let her have it 'cuz she didn't say pwease," he informed her. She quickly reassured him with a smile.

"Let's go over there and see what's going on." She put her hand out and Terry quickly took it, 'dragging' her towards the sandbox. When they arrived Abigail was still demanding the dump truck and John was still refusing to give it to her unless she asked nicely. Their voices had become slightly elevated, attracting the attention of another attendant who reached the sandbox just as Amy and Terry did. Before either attendant could ask the preschoolers what the problem was, Abigail decided that she had had enough. Keeping one hand on her hip, she pointed a finger at John.

"You're stupid and you can keep your stupid truck!" Before Amy or her fellow attendant, Hannah, could jump in and scold Abigail, John stood up to defend himself.

"I'm not stupid 'cuz I didn't do or say anything wong! Only wuude people call uder people stupid and since you're wuude I'm walking away from you!" John resolutely declared and then proceeded to climb out of the sandbox, the dump truck still in his hand. He stopped next to Terry. "Wanna go pway ova dair?" he asked his friend while pointed to a shady spot under some trees a few feet away. Terry nodded and retrieved the toy cars he was playing with from the sandbox and then joined John in the shade. Abigail was furious. She made a move to climb out of the sandbox after them but Amy picked her up and sat on the edge of the sandbox with Abigail in her lap.

"Abigail, it's mean to call people names; you can hurt their feelings." Abigail wasn't chastised by this news. "How would you feel if someone said something mean to you that hurt your feelings and made you feel sad?" Abigail thought about it for a moment.

"I wouldn't like it," she decided. Amy nodded her head in agreement.

"So I think you owe John an apology for calling him stupid." Abigail hung her head and nodded. Amy took her hand and together they walked over to John and Terry. The two boys looked up as they approached. "John, Abigail wants to say something to you." Abigail played with the grass with her left foot and kept her head down.

"I sorry for calling you stupid, John."

"I forgive you," he told her with a smile. She looked up at him and smiled back.

"Can I pway with you?" she asked. John simply held out the dump truck and Abigail sat down to play with him and Terry for the remainder of their outdoor play time. Amy chuckled and moved away from them so she could survey the rest of the play enclosure. Hannah joined her as she walked around, a smile on her lips.

"John seems to have no problem standing up for himself." Amy smirked and shook her head.

"Yeah, he's awfully sure of himself," Amy said with a laugh. "And he has no problem letting people know when they've been rude or done something bad either." She sighed. "I gotta start teaching that kid about tact," Amy said with a slightly exasperated expression on her face. Hannah laughed at Amy's expression.

"He's only three. You've got at **least** another year before you'll need to worry about it. After all, Kindergarten's when tact will first start to become an issue." Amy looked at Hannah and the two shared another laugh as they continued watching over their small flock of three years old at play.


	5. Growth Spurts

"But it's my favewit!" John wailed as he tightly hung onto one of his t-shirts that was blue with a fire truck on the front of it as Amy attempted to tug it out of his grasp and place it into a box of items she was donating to the nursery, an exasperated expression on her face.

"John," Amy tried to reason with him, again. "This shirt is too small for you so mommy's going to let another little boy who can fit it wear it while mommy buys you a new shirt that fits you better." John started to sniffle.

"But I don't want a new one! I want **my** shirt!" he wailed. Amy sighed and released her hold on the shirt to pick John up. She sat down on her bed and held John in her lap, turning him so he was facing her.

"John, you're getting bigger because you're growing up, and that's supposed to happen. When you get bigger you need to buy clothes that are bigger so that they'll fit you better and you can be more comfortably in them," she calmly explained. "I know you like this shirt, honey, but it just doesn't fit you right anymore and mommy doesn't want you to be uncomfortable in your clothes because when your clothes are too tight then it's a little harder for you to move. Plus," she added with a smile, placing her hand on John's chin and lifting it so he was looking her in the eye. "If your clothes are too tight then you can't run around very fast while you play and we don't want that, do we?" John could hear the teasing in his mother's voice and see it in her eyes; he smiled and shook his head.

"No. I like running around," he informed his mother with a smile.

"So can we let a little boy who's smaller than you wear your shirt?" John nodded and handed his shirt to Amy. She smiled, kissed his forehead and then set him down on the floor. She placed the shirt in the box and then they headed downstairs to get some breakfast, Amy carrying the box of clothing John had outgrown. As they reached the bottom of the stairs they heard Anne and Ashley arguing about Ashley's outfit.

"Ashley, that top is too low cut and that skirt is too short!" Anne informed her daughter. Ashley just rolled her eyes as Anne continued. "You have plenty of clothes that don't show off your chest and butt and I won't have my daughter going out of this house wearing something that gives guys the wrong idea or invites other females to judge you!"

"Oh please, mom. With everything you, dad and Amy have done people will just think I'm like everyone else in my family and I don't know how to keep it in my pants or keep my legs closed," Ashley informed her mother with a sarcastic smile.

"Why can't you keep your legs closed, aunty?" John asked as he and Amy walked into the kitchen. He climbed up into one of the chairs at the kitchen table to wait for his breakfast and looked straight at Ashley. Amy set down the box of clothes and began fixing John's breakfast, giving Ashley a look that said 'you promised to watch what you say in front of him.' Ashley caught her sister's eye and rolled her own before she leaned forward so she was eye-level with her nephew.

"I have no problem keeping my legs closed, sweetie. Grandma just thinks that people will think bad thoughts about me because of the clothes I'm wearing." Ashley stood back up an opened her arms to indicate her outfit and John looked at it quizzically for a moment.

"Your shurt looks kinda tight and the west of your skirt's missing, auntie. Maybe you gwew! Mommy says when you get bigger your cwoze don't fit so you need ta get bigger ones. Maybe you should get a bigger shurt and wonger skirt. Den grandma won't be mad at you." Ashley was momentarily taken back by her nephew's deductive reasoning. Anne tried to keep a straight face when she saw Ashley's facial expression but failed and started laughing. Ashley threw her mother an annoyed glare and Amy, who had her back towards the fridge, simply smiled and kept her mouth shut.

"Called out by a three year old," Anne stated, still laughing. Ashley simply glared at her mother and then cast an annoyed glance at her nephew.

"Did I say sumting wong?" John asked nervously, beginning to sniffle.

"No, sweetie. You didn't say anything wrong," Amy assured him but John wasn't reassured.

"Den why's aunty mad at me?" Ashley sighed and once again leaned down so she was eye level with her nephew.

"I'm not mad at you." When John didn't look convinced Ashley picked him up and gave him a hug. "I promise. I was just irritated because grandma was laughing at what you said to me."

"Did I say sumting funny?" John asked, a confused look on his face. Ashley smiled at his expression. _He is so three year olds_ Ashley thought as she hugged her nephew again.

"It was a little funny," she informed him as she kissed his cheek and then lowered him back into the chair. Amy brought him his breakfast and Ashley went to her room to change her outfit.


	6. Tactless Tots

Amy got off work early that afternoon in order to take John clothes shopping. Thankfully Amy was quickly able to find six shirts, three pairs of pants, four pairs of shorts and two packs of underwear that John agreed with. Usually when Amy took John clothes shopping it was a battle of wills because John argued with her about anything she put in the shopping cart that didn't contain fire trucks, bears, or Spiderman. Today John was appeased when Amy selected Spiderman-themed underwear, two t-shirts that featured a fire truck and bear respectively, and a pair of pants that had Spiderman decals on the back pockets. It wasn't until Amy was in the women's section picking out a couple of new bras that she suddenly wished she could dissolve into a puddle and disappear into the floor. As Amy was checking the rack for a bra in the correct size, a woman with her daughter in the basket stopped her shopping cart at the bra rack next to Amy. The little girl was playing with a doll and facing the main aisle when she suddenly gasped and pointed.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy!" the little girl shrieked. "Look at that lady's ass! It's huge!" The mother jerked upright, her face painted with embarrassment as she shushed her daughter. The little girl's exclamation caused John to swivel around in his seat, as Amy's shopping cart was currently facing the opposite direction. He pointed at the little girl and made an exclamation of his own.

"Mommy! That girl said a bad word!" Amy was about to shush him when the little girl spoke up again. She put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at John.

"I did not! My daddy said that ass is anuder word for butt!" she declared.

"Diana, use your inside voice and you shouldn't argue with strangers," her mother told her in a hushed voice; Diana wasn't ready to use her inside voice and pointed at John.

"But he said I said a bad word and I didn't!" the little girl said in her own defense.

"Yes you did!" John declared.

"John!" Amy scolded, causing him to swivel back around to face her. "If her mommy and daddy told her she could use that word then it's okay for her to say it." Before Amy could finish her sentence John chimed in.

"But you said it was a bad word!"

"John, you need to use your inside voice too and mommy and daddy think it **is** a bad word and we don't want **you** to use it. Understand?" John nodded. He swiveled back to look at the little girl who was once again pointing at the rather large woman across the aisle.

"But mommy you didn't even look! That lady **does** have a big butt! I didn't make it up or **anything**!" Diana declared. Her mother put her hand over her face and groaned. A few other women who were in the underwear section sniggered and laughed. Amy had found the bras she needed and placed them in the cart when John chose to swivel around and look at the lady Diana was talking about and gasped, pointing as well.

"Mommy!" he exclaimed, but not as loudly as before, remembering to use his inside voice. "That girl's right! That lady **does** have a big butt!" Now it was Amy's turn to blush from embarrassment. She quickly stood to stand in front of John.

"John, it's not nice to talk about people just because they look different than you do."

"But she's not different, she's just bigger, mommy." A few women sniggered again as Amy started quickly pushing the cart away from the bras and towards the underwear, hoping John wouldn't say anything the rather large woman the two tots were talking about could overhear. No such luck. The woman in question was currently holding up two shirts to see which pattern she liked best and John, being an observant three year old, promptly decided to inform his mother of his current observation.

"Mommy, dose shirts are too small for dat lady. Sumbuddy should tell her she's too big to fit doze and she needs bigger shirts. If she doesn't den she won't be able ta run fast when she pways or be comf-ta-bull." An older woman who was standing near the pantyhose section burst out laughing, causing Amy to blush an even deeper shade of red as she groaned. The older woman walked up to Amy with a smile on her face when Amy stopped her shopping cart near the underwear racks. Amy turned when she noticed the woman out of the corner of her eye.

"Honey, from one mother to another, this won't be the last time your kid embarrasses you in public. But you should feel proud of the job you've been doing with your little guy because not a lot of three year olds these days recognize bad words or know that people should buy clothes that fit them." Her kind words and smile made Amy relax a little bit.

"Thank you," she told the woman. The woman gave her a nod and then looked at John.

"You keep being a good boy for your mommy and daddy and listening to what they tell you, okay?" John looked at this mother for a clue as to what to do next, since this lady was a stranger. Amy smiled at him and nodded her head. John looked back at the woman.

"Okay." The woman smiled at Amy and then walked away. Amy took a deep breath and then proceeded to place a pack of underwear in the shopping cart. Thankfully the large woman had moved onto another aisle when Amy pushed her cart into the main aisle to head for the checkout. She managed to pay for her purchases and leave the store without any further incidents. Amy buckled John into his booster seat and then began loading the bags into the car. As she climbed into the driver's seat she reflected on her shopping trip and the past few days with a chuckle. _Kids definitely say the darnedest things _she thought with a smile as she started her car and backed out of her parking space to head home.

**THE END**


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